Confussion

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Here I am.

Torn apart and failing to accept that you love me even when day by day I am covered in my iniquity.

You say I am forgiven.

But my guilt grows bigger and whispers seductively in my ear that I am unworthy of your forgiveness.

You don’t have to go and pretend to God that you are done with me. I know that you want more of me and even when you say you have repented, you will still run back to me, sin whispers.

I now am stuck between, “are my prayers of repentance honest or an act”?

For guilt and sin are right! Within a few hours or days, I will succumb to their seductive beautiful body, losing myself. Knowing that it is wrong yet desiring more and more of it.

Then I will come back to my senses. Feeling empty and fall before God and say, I am so sorry.

I will plead and cry out to God saying, I knew it was wrong but help me.

I am fighting and struggling, this sin eats part of my soul and I am tired of it. When I assure myself that I am done, it slowly creeps in and drains me. I am tired of prayers of repentance when I see no difference. Sin exhausts me and LORD, I need you to help me flee from it.

I am broken.

Then I will keep silent and feel the wait of my guilt. Debating if Gods love is true and waiting for a day He will give up on me. Or maybe He already has.

Do I do it with my own strength? I have tried countless times and I have failed numerously.

And I don’t know how or why but all my hope is in God. Because even when I doubt, I still believe in Him.

 

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