My miND bLUrtS #1

download2Home is me locked up in my dark room

Probably trying to push away sad and dark memories

Memories that will make me cry

I know I have to be productive and work

But I no longer have that excitement in anything

I feel this emptiness in my stomach

Working out does not make me feel better anymore

Laughing and smiling to my colleagues has become an obligation

A way of not making them feel bad

Or them asking me if I am okay

I do see your texts and I am sorry

I just don’t feel like replying or picking up your calls

I do not understand what is going on inside me

But I fear that I won’t be able to even write soon

I now check things a 100 times when I am going out

I always feel like I have left my wallet or keys

I always feel like crying

Always

I want to run away from everyone and everything

I now understand why people my age kill themselves

They feel trapped in this feeling that is bitter sweet

Like you cannot explain how enjoyable it hurts

I just want to do nothing

I do see a thin line between me and death

Or maybe trying drugs or saying a prayer

But that’s all a lot of work

I cannot enjoy anything anymore

What I do I do because if I do not do it

People will want to get involved in my life

I do not mean to avoid people

My mind just cannot comprehend being around people

Just talking about it

Makes my body shake and I only realize it after sometime

I keep forgetting stuff

And overthinking everything

Its ether too loud or too quiet

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