Don’t read this. I just had to talk to this digital paper.

restricted_area_by_valvett_desktop_1024x768_wallpaper-448646

It is alright

I do not like myself either.

This body is uncomfortable.

My mind is paranoid.

Allow me to express how I really feel,

And I would disappear for weeks.

Hopefully to another world with no living creatures.

Living is exhausting and breathing wears me out.

90% of my my energy is spent on thinking.

Nothing too mild but it is not positive.

Living for someone is excruciating.

You always want them to be happy.

I wonder when I will be able to live for me.

I pray to close my eyes and never to awake.

Be happy. Say something. Are you okay?

I often hear these words.

If I was comfortable around you I would break down and cry

but I am not.

So “FINE” slips out my tongue like muscle memory.

I am slowly hating everything around me.

That drive or excitement is dead.

Now, all I do is try to find something colorful to feed my soul.

Though I do love the rain.

I hate my phone.

It spikes my anxiety and paranoia heavily.

Most phone calls seem to be filled with what I did wrong.

My heart explodes a little when it rings.

I am unhappy because I cannot help people around me.

They run to me looking for help.

That means a lot too me, yet failing to help them depresses me more.

I will not read this.

I thought blurting it out would help

but it has made things a bit worse.

I feel dead and dark.

Hopefully someone will like me this way.

Why is everyone so happy?

Why can I not be like them?

Oh, you want to say it is easy.

It is a matter of a mind set change.

Well I am gray and I want to cry almost every time.

Wait, you also think I choose to feel this way.

But it is fine.

We all walk different paths.

I should end hear.

I am a very unhappy child.

So unprepared for grown up life.

But here I am, 22 years of age.

And my life makes me sick.

Everyone seems to have a plan.

I die at 25.

Beautiful plan right?restricted_area_by_valvett_desktop_1024x768_wallpaper-448646

 

 

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