From 5pm to 2am I played the same song over and over. Laying on my mattress in the dark trying to collect my thoughts and sleep. My thoughts were that I am not a Christian, I am just someone who knows about Christianity and the deity. Trying to be like the legendary Jesus. I know I will never be perfect because some of us are just not curable. But I pray by his grace he will overlook some things I do unlike human hearts and human laws.
My mind and thoughts are not of a healthy kind; what amuses me will disgust you and make you think I am inhuman. I have no excuse for who I am or what I do.
After 2am I stopped the song from playing, Horns by Bryce Fox (loving this song). My mind like tsunami flooded my mind away. I no longer fight my hungry taunting beast that loves eating through my brain, I am now on its side.
Thoughts of my sweet mum dying raced through my mind. Her husband who I have grown up fearing or respecting (which ever you dim fit to use), don’t get me wrong I like the guy but I would pull out his life support to charge my phone. I hope he lives long enough for karma to catch up. See why I am just a guy who is not a Christian but tries to save Jesus.
I thought of why mum never left to find a new husband. Maybe it was because of her kids. Sometimes I do not jump of a building or in front of a truck because I need to buy her a Maybach Benz and find her a new husband. Then I can die in a car accident somewhere and it wouldn’t be my fault. I mean, I did not kill myself *wink wink*, the tire just exploded while I was hitting 220km/h.
I am actually laughing at that idea, somehow it makes me happy. I thought of the prayers I pray and if I am that annoying child God loves but hides from. Or maybe my guardian angel is an alcoholic. Maybe he smokes a lot, those shooting stars might be his unfinished cigarettes as God walks in on him.
I thought of why I continue smiling when it drains me. If I was not working, I would be enjoying this depression. I mean, I love my job because I have people watching over me through the day. But her depression-ness comes out in her royal gown to flip my mind up when all is dark and hidden from light. Except of late, it fucks me up during the day too. Jonathan language *wink wink*.
I thought a lot of death, the numbness. The beauty of not feeling things. I will not be emotionally attached to people. My mind will be calm and peaceful. Karma won’t be anywhere to see me and life’s battles won’t be there anymore.
I thought of God and the devil paying chase and mankind where the pieces. The kings, queens, bishops, knights and rocks where the wealthy society. The rich and wealth and those well to do. And not forgetting the pawns, people like myself fighting to get to the other side of the board to become a king too.
I won’t talk about my other thoughts for now. Pray to your gods and idols and when you can prove that they created the universe and the bible is false, I will still try save Jesus.